Last night my son made a very interesting comment to me. He told me that he thought I should add my special way of how I think to the book that I have been writing about my life.
I'm calling it "FROM PARADISE TO THE GHETTO" I started writing it several years ago in another blog but at times I get sidetracked from sticking to the story and have written on my Myspace blog instead.
Always keeping my hand at writing and just putting down what I feel and think. It's titled
STEPHANIE'S RANDOM THOUGHTS ON LIFE.
I have had over 8,000 hits on it, I really don't count them but I found it is interesting how people read my blog.
I think his point way that in-spite of what I have been thru, I still seem to remain positive and want to share my belief in the Power of staying that way.
Why do I actively seek things to read to keep me focused on the good and the positive.
I experienced first hand what the results of Negativity did to my thinking and ultimately my health.
While I was in the beginning stages of having to finalize my "status only" divorce from my deceased husband. I was absolutely stunned by the betrayal of his family toward me.
My step daughter was the executor and thru the LEGAL system, she got to step into the role of her father as the other party in the divorce. The difference was that her father and I were having one of the nicest divorces in history. We still loved each other and still were friends.
It was the reason we never really finalized the Property settlement. There was always that little window left open that perhaps we would someday be together again.
And for a nano second in time it would have come true, except he had an accidental fall and died 10 days after we buried his girlfriend. I was with him at the time of course.
I simply never saw it coming as to how people become greedy when someone dies with money.
Unfortunately he did not have a Trust and we went into Probate. It was the most stressful 3 years of my life.
In the beginning I was so stressed, so appalled and so negative that I actually ended up in the emergency room having to be given an asthma treatment and tons of antibiotics.
I LEARNED A GREAT LESSON: I CAUSED IT ALL TO HAPPEN WITH MY THINKING.
It was an eye opener and I made a commitment to myself that I would find a way to get better.
It did not happen overnight by the way. When I felt better physically I was still angry a lot of the time. I was not always easy to be around during those times because I simply could not let it go.
Every time my son was invited to a family event I felt betrayed, not only by the family but by him also. I didn't want to ask him not to go I wanted him to make that decision for himself.
It was during this "Angry" time of my grieving cycle that one night my son and I were in his car driving to the Grove and as usual I was going on about his sister and what she had done to me legally. My son looked at me and said "MOM YOU HAVE TO LET IT GO, I CAN'T BE AROUND YOU LIKE THIS"
Wow, what a wake-up call. It never occurred to me what kind of affect I was having on him. Oh I wasn't happy at all to hear that and in fact in a way I was MAD, but it made sense on some deeper level and I told him I simply would not discuss his sister with him any more.
Not being perfect there were a few times I could not help myself, but the rants about her stopped for the most part and with time the rants in my head stopped also.
There is an expression I remembered.
'IS SOMEONE LIVING RENT FREE IN YOUR HEAD?" Well she sure was.
Today I am really happy that my son still has a family, no matter how little he sees them, I did not ask him to sever those ties. It is what it is.
Today I really don't care about what happened to me and in the end I actually signed away any money that I was entitled to for my health and for the Well being of my Son.
After a 25 year relationship, almost 20 years of being Married, I inherited the Debt of putting our kids thru the finest schools, refinancing the house so my husband could have a place of his own and paying the taxes. It came out to about $2 million dollars in debt.
But what I GAINED was an undying admiration and the JOY of having Matt the best son in the world. When my head got better I simply realized that I was
'THE RICHEST WOMEN IN THE WORLD" I have something that is priceless. I have a devoted son who will never let me loose it all while he is able. His Love and the JOY of just watching him achieve his dreams and goals on his own. It's what every parent wants from their children.
To watch them Grow into Loving, Giving, Productive Adults.
The Bonus I got was that walking thru the fire of Grief, Sorrow, Probate and Loss I didn't loose what was important to me, I GAINED A BEST FRIEND AND THE KNOWLEDGE THAT I CAN DO ANYTHING I THINK ABOUT.
